I can't cry over you
by I.Hope.You.Dance.7
Summary: For the 'Sweet Revenge' forum's 'tear' contest. Kathy has always been the strongest and the sturdiest, the one you can count on to be your shoulder to cry on. Kathy has never needed anyone's shoulder- because she doesn't cry. She won't cry. Even when Hayden dies and her heart feels black... One-shot. Reviews appreciated! And votes wouldn't be terrible...


**[A/N] This is for the 'Sweet Revenge' forum's 'tear' challenge! Hope you enjoy!**

**In a side note, I use some Rival Kid's younger siblings in this- not enough to confuse you, but enough to show the 'life goes on' theme. **

**Kathy's kids:**

**Roy: Appears in game. Red hair, green eyes. Maybe twenty-one in this fic?**

**Hayden Jr.- Middle child. Blonde hair, gray eyes, but more Hayden-like in personality. Seventeen-ish.**

**Izzy- Most likely really named Isabel. Brown hair, green eyes. Fourteen.**

**Unexplained appearances;**

**Paten- Toby and Renee's second child. Female, friends with Luke/Selena's Lucy. **

Selena couldn't understand what Kathy was saying.

It worried her. Immensely. The Waitress had always had a very crisp dialect, always cheery and scattered with various country slang- but it was always understandable. _Always._

"S-Sle…na… He's," Kathy hiccupped, "H-H-He…."

Selena pulled her still pajama-covered legs to her stomach, glad Luke had already gone to work and Lucy was at Paten's house. Her stomach was sinking by the moment, and she could feel herself shaking in the sort of way she didn't want her family to see. It worried her that Kathy almost sounded like she was crying- but in the sort of way that it sounded more like she was holding back the tears. Kathy was too stubborn to cry- Selena had only ever heard her threaten tears once, and that was after Owen's serious accident in the mines. For Kathy to even threaten tears meant that… meant that something serious had happened.

"Hon, Kath. Slow down." Selena whispered in a calming voice, forcing herself to be the smooth one. She owed it to Kathy, after all her years of break downs. "Take a deep breath and start from the beginning."

Selena could hear her friend take a deep breath. There was a moment of complete silence before Kathy started to speak again. "Thanks. Sel, I just called to tell you…" Her voice started to get choked up again, before she remembered to breathe. "Oh, Selena… He's gone… My Daddy's dead!"

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The Funeral was held that Wednesday.

Kathy didn't want to go. She didn't want to paint on her smile and pretend that she was getting through fine, that she would get over this like she always did. This time, she didn't want to be the brave one, the sturdy one- she wanted to break down into tears and hide in a corner.

Owen told his wife she was being ridiculous. She'd always gained strength through her neighbors and even something as drastically tragic as this would stop that. He told her gently that it would look bad not to show up to her own father's funeral; even if she had already said her goodbye, the whole town would expect her to be there accepting hugs. Kathy was too grief ridden to argue- she slipped on the black dress Owen had laid out for her and stirred through her cereal that morning with a dead expression on her face.

She could tell that he was worried for her; as they had started the seemingly forever-long walk, he'd kept giving her worried side-glances. Kathy knew she looked like a zombie- she felt like one, too. All the life had been drained from her life-filled body- like the death of her father's life had sucked away all of hers. Selena had told her so right to her face; the brash dancer had always been good for that. Kathy wanted to care that her husband seemed wrought with despair at the sight of his weakened wife- she just couldn't bring herself to.

"Mom. We're here." Kathy woke from her haze to see her fourteen year-old daughter Izzy looking at her with concerned green eyes.

While Kathy was thinking about her zombie-like state- had her mind gone there too?- her family had arrived at the church. Kathy didn't know how she'd zoned out for the cart ride- well, perhaps grief did that to you- but she did, and she was once again harnessed by how absolutely unprepared she was. She'd always been so wonderful with people- knowing them almost as well as her father- but now… now she felt like curling up in a corner and not talking to anyone for weeks.

Kathy turned her sad green eyes on the church, a place she'd always attached happy memories to. It was a shame that could no longer be. "I know, honey. I just… I know…"

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Kathy!"

With one foot inside the church, Kathy was being attacked by a short brunette. Usually she wouldn't mind it- it was just Renee, after all- but in her current state she wanted to scream _'Get the Hell off me!"_ She didn't. She's too smart for that, and she doesn't want to see Renee's pretty face crumple. It wouldn't help either of them.

"Renee." The blonde lets herself be hugged by Renee, and managed a short greeting. Renee gives good hugs; they made part of Kathy's darkened heart swell with happiness. She remembers that. Happiness.

"I'm so sorry." Renee let go of Kathy, her voice sparked with genuine concern. Those big brown eyes betrayed all that built up sorrow and kindness in her heart- so much, that Kathy doesn't think she can stand it for a moment; but at the same time, it feels good. "I know I never went to the bar much, but your Daddy's a good man. He and Daddy were friends, you know." She gestured to the grayed Cain, who was already hunched over Hayden's coffin. Kathy's heart blackened again. Coffin. She hated coffins. "Hayden was best man to Mama and his wedding."

Kathy looked up at her old friend- she'd forgotten about that. Renee and Kathy had spent much time together as girls- after all these years of cocktails and the bar that Renee never went near, she'd forgotten. They'd stayed friends, of course- but the sort of friend you only saw every now-and-then where your differences feel more than your similarities. She took in her friend's speckled brown hair and smile wrinkles. So much time had passed since they were little girls, playing horsey in Horn Ranch Field. The two woman hadn't been best friends since Kathy's twenty-first birthday, and maybe Kathy hadn't treasured her as much as she should've. As much as Hayden had treasured Cain.

Kathy hugged the small woman again. "Thank you," she whispered, "for everything."

Renee smiled, and Kathy felt that black shield that had been up around her heart ever since she found her father dead melt off a little. Renee was good for that. "Now, shoo." She said with a soft voice. "There's many people you need to go talk to- just know that I'm here for you, okay?"

Kathy nodded, and Renee stepped aside. Her family had already walked in without her, and it was hard to find them in the crowd of people pushing out the walls of the church. _The whole town must be here_, Kathy thought. She picked out Julius and Candace, chatting casually with her middle child Hayden Jr.- their younger daughter, Emelie, had her head resting on his shoulder. Hayden had been nearly as wrought as his mother at the death of his namesake, and the touch of his girlfriend seemed to sooth him. Kathy's eyes crossed her oldest, Roy, chatting with his best friend Matt, Renee and Toby's older son. Both High School graduates seemed to be hiding their excitement and enthusiasm- and Kathy couldn't help but smile at the familiar bright smiles. Last, but not _never _least, her eyes found Izzy. Her youngest was hand-in-hand with Bo's daughter Sephi, neither of them seeming to be speaking.

"The whole town seems to be here." The voice startled Kathy from her observation of the crowd, but she relaxed when she realized who it was.

"Yes. I'm sure it's all very exciting for them." Kathy was surprised at the coldness in her voice; she was never so curt, so ill-speaking of others. It hurt her to sound like that, but the words were out and she let them be.

Owen walked to stand beside her, wrapping his used-to-be-thicker arm around her used-to-be-thinner waist. "Or they all love you or loved-" the past tense struck an arrow at Kathy's heart, but Owen continued "- your father. Ever thought of that?"

Kathy didn't say anything for a moment. It was hard for her to realize that people were here for her like she'd always been there for them- she'd never given them an opportunity to give to her like she'd given to them. Hayden had to go and die to do it for her. "I did think of that. It just seems a little happy to face right now."

Owen sighed. The couple stood there for a moment, watching all the friendly faces walk by. _Faces that can't know what I'm going through, even if they try,_ Kathy thought. _…But no…._ Another part of her- the familiar, shoved away part- whispered. _There's Chloe, who lost Ramsey fourteen years ago- he was the man who raised her. There's Gill, who lost Mayor Hamilton eight years back… And Look! Luna and Candace, who lost Shelly- the only parent that really mattered- sixteen years ago. Who are you to think you're the only one? _Kathy forced herself to shove down the overwhelmingly hopeful thought- she lost her father! Wasn't she allowed to pity herself? _Even if it's not really even me…?_

Kathy was startled into reality by Perry's voice. "Will you all find a place to sit please? Immediate family and close friends to the front pews please."

Owen, hand firmly remaining on her waist- even after all these years, it amazed Kathy how he was able to do that- guided her to the front pew next to their children. The pew across the aisle from them- the other 'immediate family and friends' pew was taken up by Chase- who actually managed to look despaired- Cain, Chloe- in place of the late Ramsey, perhaps?-, Selena, and Luke. Chase's family and Lucy sat behind them.

Perry cleared his throat. Although he too was aging, he seemed much younger than Bo- the closest resident to his age. Perry looked nearly the same as he did on Kathy and Owen's wedding day. "I'd like to start this ceremony with a quote I think Hayden- " Kathy noted with soft appreciation that Perry just called her late father 'Hayden' instead of 'Mister Ryder' or even 'Mister Hayden'. Her Dad had hated titles. "-would appreciate. 'Let us live so that, when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.' Mark Twain. As undertaker, I would like to justify this statement." Perry managed a wry smile, and the church rippled with laughter. "Looking around this church, I see many sorry faces- and they're not faces that saw Hayden every day. Every single person in this church is sorry for one bartender's death- and perhaps that is the gold of Hayden. He may not of talked much, but when he did, at least one resident was there to listen." Perry started to look slightly uncomfortable with his length-gaining speech, but Kathy found herself hanging on to every word. "Hayden was a loving father and grandfather, survived by his well-loved daughter Kathy and three grandchildren." He didn't mention a wife, and nobody would ask. "Hayden was also a bartender of the best proportions- may the Harvest Deities bless his journey. " He looked up around the church. "Anyone who would like to speak?"

Kathy felt as though her heart strings had been tugged on until Perry thought they might break, and then let go- her insides felt all warm and jiggly. Perry had said everything perfectly- she thought he'd get Hayden wrong, but he didn't. She thought he would go off on a Harvest Goddess tangent and forget that it was **her father's ****funeral.** It was like Perry could see through her heart and see what she wanted him to say, whether she knew she wanted him to say it or not. She felt a bit of black ice slip off her heart- Hayden had been loved by others besides her, and was well appreciated; the others deserved to mourn as well.

Then Luke stepped up to the podium. Kathy felt her heart drop. _Don't let him say something stupid, oh PLEASE don't let him say something stupid._

He said something stupid.

"The first time I went to the bar for a cocktail, I got drunk." Kathy mentally facepalmed- Luke was her friend, her best friend's husband, and her husband's best friend- but it wasn't past him to shame her and her father at the latter's funeral. "Hayden carried me home and didn't say anything to my Dad, even though I was completely smashed." The blue-haired man looked around thoughtfully. "He was a good guy; he encouraged me to go get Selena, even though she and everybody else thought I was being stupid." The church rippled with laughter again, and Kathy felt the need to join in. "He trusted me, I trusted him. He knew that I liked my Banana cocktails mixed in with a little bit of spinach- you don't get much closer to someone with that. I'm really gonna miss the dude." He turned to Hayden's coffin situated behind him, and saluted it. "Bye Hayden."

More ice fell off Kathy's heart; she felt as though the little white-and-red criss-cross pattern was becoming exposed again. With the life that was being breathed into Hayden again, Kathy could feel her own life becoming buoyant. Luke stepped off the podium- Cain stepped on.

Cain shared the story of the two boy's youth- and the parting when Hayden went off to the army and Cain went on to the ranch. He reminisced about Hayden's brief marriage to Kathy's stunning mother; and his own lasting marriage with his High School sweetheart. Then, after a good ten minutes, he stepped off- Chase stepped on.

It went in like this for a while. People of the town stepping on and off the podium, sharing bits of advice Hayden gave them that they'd never forget. How he hired Selena and gave her a friend when her dreams got the better of her. How he helped Roy learn how mix his own cocktails just this last year. How he always gave Calvin a place to stop and think- and to share memories of two army men. Kathy was at her breaking point- feeling as though she couldn't keep herself from dissolving into the tears she's held on to for the past five days- when Owen unwrapped his arm from her waist and stepped on to the podium.

"Hayden was my father-in-law, and he's the reason he was so. He always encouraged me to come along and hold her hand when I fell for her at nine. Most father's would've slapped me for proposing to their daughter like I did- slightly tipsy and out-of-the-blue- but he smiled and told her to like he knew I always would. There are no amount of word I could say to express my thanks." The big man seemed to be threatening tears. "The world lost a good man last week; and I will always be proud to say that I was his son-in-law. Goodbye Hayden." Then he stepped down.

That was it. Kathy was going to break. Luke's whimsical remembrance she could handle; Cain's wistful one she could deal with; Selena's grateful one put her on edge. Owen could break her apart. She wasn't going to cry- no, she was stronger than that. Much stronger than that.

Nobody stepped up after Owen. The church quietly applauded her husband as he moved down to sit beside her. He didn't say anything, and in return, neither did she. Perry stepped back on the podium, saying only six words.

"You may now pay your respects."

He stepped down, and the whole town got up- or at least, those who weren't already standing. Owen- again walking for his brightened, but still fragile wife- moved Kathy over to stand in front of Hayden's coffin- his _coffin-_ to accept hugs. He stood beside her; ever the vigilant watchdog; while Roy, Hayden Jr., and Izzy moved to the opposite side.

The first person in line was Selena, with Luke and Lucy in tow. Her friend gave her a tight squeeze- probably the thirty-sixth one this week- and whispered 'I love you both' before moving on. Luke gave her a man hug- of course- and Lucy moved over to give all three of her children tight squeezes.

…And that's how it went, family after family. 'I'm so sorry for your loss' and tight squeezes. Kathy admitted to herself that it was tiring, not to mention extremely annoying- but it helped. It helped to know that virtually every person in her small town _cared. _She watched as they proceeded to her father's coffin, paid whatever respects they had, then moved on._ Moved on, _like it was some sort of easy- not without tears, but with the grace of the knowledge that ends happen. Soon, it was just Kathy and her family- Perry had respectfully gone out to enjoy the 'Celebration of Hayden' picnic that Maya and a few others had planned.

"It's time, Kathy." Owen's whisper sent a shiver down her spine.

He knew her too well. Kathy had already said her goodbyes to her father; but they were brief, nerve racked at the sight of his empty body, and the wonders if he could even hear her. She wanted another goodbye- now, more than ever- but she didn't know if she could handle one.

She nodded anyways. She'd had her full of being doubtful- and, deep down, tired of feeling like she had no heart. Owen took her hand in his grasp, leading her to her father's coffin- she was starting to get used to the idea, after saying it so many times over and over in her head. Kathy closed her eyes before she could see him. _Am I really strong enough for this- strong enough to see the strong man who raised me weak and dead in a coffin, like I'd never thought he'd be?_ She knew the answer, and opened her eyes.

The first time she'd seen her father's body, all she saw was a shell of the man she'd loved- all the life and breath out of him, his green eyes open and glassy. This time, she felt more inclined to actually see past the initial shock- to see him as he really was.

And he wasn't really all that bad.

He did look smaller and more fragile laying in the cushioned coffin; but the arch of his broad shoulders was still there, and his stomach still pushed through his flannel shirt. She could no longer see his eyes- now it looked like you could mistake him for being asleep. He looked almost…peaceful. His beard was evenly trimmed and rimmed with gray- just the way it always had been. If Kathy sniffed hard enough, she knew he'd smell like cocktail and wood furnishing- not the death she's been afraid of. Owen, in planning the funeral- Kathy had been to in shock to really even help- had made sure Hayden was wearing Kathy's favorite black-and-red flannel shirt and jeans; both that she'd given to him for his fiftieth birthday, just before she got married.

He looked like her Daddy. And he was, in a way. Just…a different way. It was the body of the man who raised her, the man who'd given her a job, encouraged her and loved her… but it was his spirit that seemed to have floated off to heaven-knows-where. The thought surprised Kathy; _this _is what had rendered her incapable for the past five days. The fear of an empty body that she'd loved, like the man had left her forever? The thought that she was alone, just because she'd lost one of the people she had loved the most? Wasn't she stronger than that?

Kathy pressed her head against Owen's chest. Izzy knelt beside her parents, tears rolling down her smooth face as she rendered her loss. Roy was besides her, holding his sister's hand- not crying, but contemplating solemnly, like he knew better than even his mother that Hayden's days had been numbered. Hayden Jr. was in worst shape than his sister- snottily crying in such an open way that Kathy almost envied him.

"Have you come back to us?" Owen said quietly, as if sensing his wife's sudden peace of mind.

"Maybe." Kathy's eyes didn't move from her father's body, making up for years of not paying attention.

"You're close, I know that- but you still haven't cried."

Kathy stiffened. "I don't cry. You know that. I'm stronger than that." The more she said it, the more it sounded like an excuse, even though it wasn't- was it?

Owen wrapped his arms around his wife like he did when they were first married. "That's not being strong, Kath. That's being too weak to know when it's right to actually reveal your feelings; be truly, and utterly open."

Kathy opened her mouth to protest, but instead did what Owen's comments made her do in their later years- think. She'd usually regarded herself as an open person; just a strong one who didn't like to cry. Had she been wrong all these years? She thought back to Owen at Ramsey's funeral; he'd cried like Hayden Jr. was crying now- truly and utterly open.

Kathy looked at her father's body. He'd never liked that she wouldn't cry- didn't dislike it, particularly- but it bothered him that she thought she had to be so strong, so steady like he couldn't hold her up himself. _Would it be so wrong to cry? _Kathy thought. _To let go of all the times I didn't for him, didn't even when it was due? Cry out all the strength I thought I needed, and all the tears I held in?_

_No._

So with her children beside her, and her husband with his arms wrapped around her-

Kathy finally cried.

_**Because even in the darkness, life goes on.**_

**[A/N] Writing this made me really have a soft spot for Owen- there's a scene I left out that built him up a bit more, but it didn't fit right, so I sadly deleted it. He kinda reminds me of my own Daddy. **

**Sad to think six months ago I couldn't have written this, as I'd never been to a funeral. **

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed! If you'd like to vote for any of the entries PM Sweet Revenge's floridapanther28 for who you voted for! :D Also, if you enjoyed this, check out some of the other entries- links available at the Sweet Revenge forum! **

**Thanks and please review! **


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